Young and uncertain of the world. The thing is i've never been sure if all this is real. I may have lost my way somewhere inbetween the transition from child hood to adult hood. I won't bore you with the details all at once, for they are not necessary.
19 and alone, i lie in bed trying to focus on distant objects. The alarm clock's oversized dim red digits. The pale white mini blinds, i can see through a tiny little space to see a small portion of the moon. I spend alot of time doing this, trying to escape or hide from everything. Me and life don't exactly see eye to eye. So i often do everything within my power to forget about life.
I awoke with a small stream of sunlight shining directly in my eye. I rolled over searching for my cigarettes and lighter somewhere on the floor. "Hmm... cigarettes but no lighter." I pulled myself to my feet and walked to the kitchen so i could light the days first smoke off the stove. With my head pounding and my throat irritated from the night before. I sat down in my chair and got on with my morning routine. Turn on my computer monitor, check my email. "Figure's nothing new." Turn around pick up the guitar, strum a couple chords, and put it back down. Make my way to the bathroom, turn on the shower. As the water hit my leg i felt a sharp stinging pain, so i looked down. "Shit!" The waters red. It all smacked me in the face like a sack of bricks. "It wasn't a dream." I looked at the back of my leg and saw several cuts. "One of these days." I said to myself.
The phone rings, it's mom. "Hey, you hungry?" She said. "I could eat." "I'll pick you up around noon." "See you then." Mom takes me out to lunch atleast once a week. We usually go to this little place on the corner, it's not bad. She usually asks me about my night, throwing a few little snappy comments here and there. The she gripes about her boss, and that's just about it. We eat, we talk, we leave. I look at the clock, qaurter after eleven. I lit up a cigarette, and pulled a shirt out of the closet, followed by a pair of torn jeans. I don't have a single pair of pants whithout holes. It dosen't bother me at all and no one else seems to care, so what's it matter?
Qaurter to noon, Mom pulls up in her chinsy little geo. First thing she say's. "Put un your seeat belt." I looked at her, i had this look on my face that just screamed "are you fucking serious?" I never wear my seat belt. For one it's annoying, and for two i just don't care. Half the time i'm hoping for an accident that will send me right through the windsheild. We got in the restaraunt, sat down at our usual booth and we both simultaneously lit up cigarettes. "So what did you do last night? You got home pretty late." I hit my cigarette and replied with "nothing really" as i blew the smoke out of my lungs. She gave me this gigantic look of sarcasm and let it slide. Allthough we all know i got shit faced and let my emotions get the best of me once again.
I found myself laying in bed watching the ceiling fan spin round and around. I was thinking about the night before, trying to remember what got me so angry at myself. I couldn't remember, although i did have an idea. It's always one of a few different things. Sometimes all of them at once. Reminiscence of past days, all filled with regret. Thinking of this always seems to make me break down, i can never make it through a day without regret. Sure i don't regret what i've done at the moment but a day later i'm somewhere thinking about it, wishing it never happened. I can never completely remember these episodes i have, sober or not. I don't think i want to remember them.
"John, are you allright?" i heard somone speaking from the other side my bedroom door. "Who is it?" I didn't exactly recognize the voice but they knew my name. "Rebeckah." Who in the hell is Rebeckah? I thought, i got up to open the door. I paused for a minute, thinking do i really wanna find out who this is? I opened the door anyway. "What in the!?" i couldn't finish. I was suddenely paralyzed, and speachless. "Im here to help you." Do i need help? Who? What? I thought, i didn't have a clue what was going on. "Your friends and family are worried about you." I was screaming in my mind. Who cares? Everything's fine, i don't this person asking me questions and judging me. I don't need people that care. I don't even want this life. Rebeckah grabbed my wrist and turned it gently. She sighed, took in a deep breath and said. "Why?" I shrugged my shoulders and thought. What's it matter to you. I pulled my arm away turned around and went back to my bed. I grabbed my journal and pen. I Immediatly starting writing random comments of confusion and fear. "WHAT IS THIS" "why me?" "SAVE ME" "tell me please." Rebeckah sat down in my chair. She looked at each and every individual item on my desk, picked up my cigarettes. "You mind?" i shook my head slightly. She then handed me my cigarettes and lighter. Damn right i need a smoke i was all shooken up and confused. She began to speak and then stopped suddenly. She closed her eyes for a moment, took a breath and said. "Why do you need to abuse yourself like that?" I was flipping through my journal, i came to a page with a recently written poem and started reading it to her.
"As i stare out the window,
i see the leaves turn red.
While looking through the glass,
i realize my emotions are bred.
When i lie in my bed,
i think of thoughts,
it's a guilty pleasure,
a simple kind of greed.
and thats ok with me."
She looked at me like i was a sick man dying in a hospital bed. I was afraid of her. I don't know why i read her that poem, maybe i thought it would help her understand. I don't know if it did or just made her even more distant. I didn't care, i just wanted to be alone. I'm always alone whether i was surrounded by people or not. I couldn't block her out, she intimidated me.
Later that night i went to the bar, to meet up with a newly received friend. I got there early so i could get a couple shots in me before she got there. I was still a little disturbed from my encounter with Rebeckah earlier. Twenty minutes passed and in she walked. She had these eyes, these extremely glamorous eyes you could see from a mile away. I got up and did the hole little hug and greet thing. We sat down at this little round table in the corner. "it's nice to see you again Zoe." I was a little nervous not quite sure what to say. "How are today?" She said. I think she was a little nervous herself i could here little trembles in her voice. "Alright, my day was a little different than normal but lets not talk about that." "You wanna drink?" "Sex on the beach, if you don't mind." I got up and walked over to the bar, ordered a sex on the beach, a shot of whisky, and a beer. I knocked down the shot right there, grabbed the drinks and headed back. "Did you miss me?" Why did i say that? Oh well it's over with now. She smiled and said "you know it!" Whoa maybe it wasn't that corny. We just sat the flirting innocently for awhile and all of a sudden she said "You wanna get out of here?" I couldn't tell her no allthough i wanted to have another beer. "If you would like, where you wanna go?" She smiled and said "I was thinking we could stop at the store get a bottle of something and go to my place where it isn't so loud." I was a little nervous but i didn't hesitate. "Sounds good." We got up i helped her put on her coat, what can i say im a gentlemen. I paid the tab and off we went.
We stopped at the store picked up a six pack of wine coolers and a bottle of johnny walker red. We got to her apartment about ten minutes later. It wasn't to far of a walk. She opened the door kicked off her shoes, i took mine of as well. I looked around for a minute, pulled my smokes and lighter out of my coat pocket and hung my coat on the door knob. The first thing i noticed is that there wasn't a tv. This made me smile, i don't really care for tv it gives you a reason to do nothing. I like finding reasons to sit around and do nothing, it's more of a challenge. "Sit down, relax i'll make you a drink." I looked for an ash tray grabbed it and made myself comfortable. "Nice place you got here." It was i really liked it, i was kind of jealous. The lights were dim, it was relaxing. Zoe came back with the drinks and kicked on the stereo, it was already at the perfect level. "I see you don't have a tv." She giggled a little. "I just think they're useless." I was so glad she didn't say she was saving up for one or something. I could already tell we were gonna hit it off pretty easy, which is a good thing since i wasn't in a good mood and i didn't wanna have to try to hard to make conversation. I lit up a cigarette, took a sip from my drink and asked her "Why is this so easy? I mean does this seem easy to you?" She looked at me, smiled and said. "It is isn't?" After that the conversation flowed better than ever before. There was no awkward silence, or even a single uncomfortable moment the whole night. We talked all night untill the sun rose. I didn't want this night to end, i had a feeling she felt the same. She laid her head in my lap, i looked down at her and smiled. I began running my fingers through her hair and she threw her arm around my neck, pulled herself up and gave me a soft kiss. She layed her head back on my lap ever so softly,gave me a little wink followed by a smile and closed her eyes. Sh was out within minutes. I found a comfortable posistion and before i knew it i was dead asleep.